


Never Have I Ever

by Llama1412



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Drinking Games, Drunken Confessions, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Implied Relationships, Team Bonding, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-27 22:02:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30129501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Llama1412/pseuds/Llama1412
Summary: The Blue Stripes have an evening off. What better way to spend it than by playing drinking games?
Relationships: Blue Stripes & Vernon Roche, Iorveth/Vernon Roche
Comments: 5
Kudos: 43





	Never Have I Ever

**Author's Note:**

> I just played the drunken Kaer Morhen quest in Witcher 3 and this idea came to me. But I feel like I should note some safety precautions: do not do this at home.  
> Do not set alcohol on fire and then try to drink it and do not drunkenly go for a swim. Both are great ways to end up in the emergency room. Or the morgue.

It wasn’t often that the Blue Stripes had the opportunity to cut loose. Given the unique nature of their squad’s command structure (i.e. directly under the King), they were almost always on duty. 

But tonight, there were no reports needing written or conspiracies uncovered. Tonight, they were just normal soldiers, desperate to get drunk after a  _ long,  _ long week. The homemade hooch they were drinking was horrifyingly vile, but it very much got the job done. 

Which was why, after they cracked open the third bottle, Roche thought nothing of it when Silas rose to his feet with a finger raised, as if he’d suddenly realized something. He swayed slightly as he stood, but when he spoke, his words were clearly enunciated and Roche was reluctantly impressed.

“Hey,” Silas called, and all of the Stripes turned to face him. Only their youngest member could collectively capture their attention, even though he hardly tried. There was just something about their scrawny “newbie” (he’d been with the team for several years now) that made all of them listen when he spoke.

Even if they decided to ignore what they heard.

“What?” Roche asked, prompting Silas to continue.

“We should play a drinking game!”

Finch and Ves both groaned dramatically, continuing to watch Shorty attempt to chug a pint of ale. PT was also watching, but rather than fascination, his face was painted with concern.

Thirteen and Fenn, on the other hand, looked ecstatic at the idea. 

“Yeah!” Thirteen cheered, “let’s get crunk up in here!”

“Crunk?”

“You know, crazy drunk?”

“No, no, I don’t know,” Roche shook his head. “What did you have in mind, Silas?”

“Weeeeeeell,” Silas drew the word out, “what about Never Have I Ever? We go around and each person has to say Never Have I Ever and then add something that they haven’t done. And whoever  _ has _ done it takes a shot.”

“Huh. Sounds fun, I guess,” Fenn shrugged. “But like, lets make it more interesting. How about… we do flaming shots.”

“No,” Roche vetoed immediately. “You remember how that went last time.”

“Pleeeeease,” Fenn begged, pressing his hands together and looking at Roche with wide, innocent eyes.

He was  _ not _ going to fall for that dammit.

“Oooh, yes!” Thirteen cheered. “Let’s do flaming shots. Pleeeeease, Boss?” 

Faced with two pairs of pleading eyes, Roche felt his resolve wavering. He sent a desperate look at Ves, but she was still busy watching Shorty, who had finished his first pint and apparently decided to start on a second one.

Roche sighed heavily. “How about we have  _ some _ shots on fire, and the rest not? That way people can choose what they’re comfortable with.”

Fenn scoffed, “what kinda pussy is afraid of fire?”

“To be fair,” Thirteen said, “it’s not so much the fire as the possibility of personally catching on fire. But that’s why it’s a  _ challenge! _ That’s what makes it fun!”

“What’s the challenge now?” Ves asked, attention immediately captured by that word. Typical. 

“Let’s drink flaming shots!” Fenn’s grin was slightly manic, but then, it usually was, so that was nothing new. 

“No,” Silas frowned at him. “Let’s play Never Have I Ever and  _ then _ people can take shots.”

“All right, all right, everyone gather up,” Roche ordered, and, with much groaning and grumbling, the Stripes arranged themselves into a vague circle, some sitting on furniture and some on the floor. Of course, none of his people could sit normally, which meant that Finch was perched on the back of the couch in a squat with Fenn leaning against him while Ves and PT both quickly found their laps occupied. Ves sat in the nicest armchair they had and directed Silas to sit on the floor between her legs, but Shorty was entirely shameless about crawling into PT’s lap. PT didn’t seem to mind, so Roche ignored it – and maybe felt a little bit jealous that no one was cuddling with  _ him. _

Which, of course, was the moment that Thirteen tackled him from behind. “I call dibs on cuddles with the Boss!”

“The Boss will throw you across the room if you don’t stop strangling me,” Roche choked out, Thirteen’s arm pressing against his windpipe.

“Whoops, sorry, Boss.” 

The arm moved away and Roche could breathe normally again – for all of a minute before Thirteen sprawled across his lap.

“You’re heavy,” Roche grunted, but in truth, he didn’t really mind. Of everyone, these were the people he was most comfortable with, the ones he was allowed to be freely affectionate with, the ones who followed him because they respected  _ him. _ It was okay for him to wrap an arm around Thirteen’s waist and let the younger man melt into him. “Silas, why don’t you start us off?” 

“Okay,” Silas nodded, leaning against Ves’s leg. “Never have I ever had sex outside.”

“Well fuck,” Roche muttered, and he was very much not alone in taking a shot, though only Fenn was crazy enough to take one of the on-fire shot glasses.

“Now you go,” Silas nudged Ves.

“Hmmm,” Ves tapped her nails against her teeth. “Never have I ever… had sex with a nonhuman.”

Fuck. Roche avoided everyone’s eyes as he reached forward to grab another shot. Thirteen also drank, but he kind of figured that Thirteen’s nonhuman was… less of a scandal. 

“Boss!” Ves exclaimed, genuine surprise on her face. “Thirteen I get, but  _ you?” _

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” he mumbled. “Finch, I think you’re up next.”

Finch snorted at his dodge, but obligingly started, “hmmm,” the man smirked and Roche was suddenly very worried. “Never have I ever been stupid enough to jump off a roof.”

“Not fair,” Fenn grumbled, grabbing another flaming shot.

Roche sighed, “pass me a drink, Thirteen.”

Thirteen grabbed 2 shot glasses, downing one before passing the other to Roche.

Ves and PT both raised their eyebrows in a very judging manner and he had to defend himself. “I was 8.”

“Pfft, pussy. Fenn and I did it last week.”

“That’s not something to brag about, Thirteen,” PT’s voice was exasperated. “You’re lucky you didn’t break your neck.”

“Eh,” Thirteen shrugged.

“My turn,” Fenn grinned. “Never have I ever… been on close personal terms with a monster.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Thirteen scoffed. “What, you think someone here has fucked a succubus. Wait…  _ has _ anyone here fucked a succubus?”

“I once tried to adopt a hoard of nekkers,” Shorty volunteered.

“Boss?” Ves’s eyes were sharp and intimidating and Roche immediately caved.

“I might’ve once tried to kiss a drowner. I think. I was very, very drunk.”

“A  _ drowner!?  _ Of all the fucking monsters out there, you went for a fucking  _ drowner?  _ Really!?”

“Shut up,” he grumbled, throwing his empty shot glass at Fenn.

PT caught it and gave them both disapproving looks. “Anyway,” the medic grit out pointedly, “never have I ever… um… slept with a sorceress?”

“Gods dammit,” Roche swore. He was going to be absolutely wasted by the end of the night.

“Okay, clearly the Boss is a lost cause at this point,” Shorty laughed, “but  _ you,  _ Ves?”

Ves shrugged, entirely shameless. “She was hot. And magic has some interesting uses in the bedroom. Or the garden. Or… well, Silas has already asked that.”

“Well, aren’t we learning some interesting things tonight?” Shorty grinned. “How about… never have I ever had sex with an authority figure above me. Not including the Boss, obviously, otherwise everyone would have to take a shot.”

Roche frowned, debating if it was worth being dishonest just to avoid taking this shot.

But no, these were his people and he trusted them implicitly. Even though he also knew that they would absolutely ream the shit out of him.

Roche, PT, and Finch all took a shot and the other Stripes stared at them.

“PT??? P fucking T???  _ You!?” _ Thirteen’s voice was shrill in disbelief.

The broad man shrugged. “It was while I was at Oxenfurt.”

“Oh shit, you slept with the teacher? Damn, PT, nice going,” Fenn leered.

PT knocked their shoulders together, pushing Fenn into Finch. “No, idiot. It wasn’t  _ my _ teacher. That would be unethical!”

“And sleeping with another authority figure isn’t?” Shorty muttered. “Man, y’all are getting so much more action than me. Thirteen, come up with something good and let me have a drink, won’t you?”

“All right,” Thirteen rubbed his hands together. “Let’s say… never have I ever taken fisstech.”

“Motherfucker,” Roche swore and when he reached for the table, his body seemed to lag behind him.

“Damn, Boss, you surprising us tonight!” Thirteen cackled. “What else have you done, huh?”

“That’s not how this game works,” he said, words slurring as his tongue decided to be difficult. “Anyway, I’m not the only one! PT and Fenn I get, and even you, Ves. But Shorty? Really?”

“I was young and dumb,” Shorty shrugged. 

“I’m more surprised Finch hasn’t,” Ves noted, leaning forward with her elbow braced against Silas’s shoulder.

“Hey, I just sold the shit. Every good dealer knows you don’t sample the merchandise.”

“All right, Boss, you’re up,” Thirteen nudged him. “Is there anything you  _ haven’t  _ done? I think you’re the only one who’s had a shot for every question.”

“Of course there are things I haven’t done!” Roche frowned at them all. Or tried to, anyway. His vision was a little shaky. Or a lot. “I just… can’t think of anything right now. Hmmm.”

“What about something related to your sex with a nonhuman?” Ves prodded.

The world was spinning around him, but Roche was pretty sure that, while he trusted them all, he was absolutely not supposed to talk about that. 

“Tha’s not a thing I haven’t done though,” he slurred. “Ummm, never have I ever wanted to marry someone?”

Finch and Shorty both took a shot, of course, given that they’d each been married. But he was somewhat surprised to see Silas and PT both downing drinks as well.

“Really?” Thirteen asked, staring at both of them in complete bafflement. “I mean… who?”

Silas shrugged, “not really anyone in particular. But I would like to get married someday, once I find someone I want to build a life with.”

“Wait,” Roche heard himself say, but he felt disconnected from his body. “Is that why you decide to marry someone? To build a life together?”

“Uh… yes? What else would it be?” Shorty chuckled. “When I met Sofia, I knew immediately that she was the one. I could see an entire future for us. Of course, reality turned out a bit different, because that’s how reality works, but I can’t imagine anyone else I’d settle down and raise kids with.”

“Huh. Fuck, I think I gotta drink, then. Thirteen, pass me a shot. No, not one of the on fire ones.” As soon as his fingers closed around the glass, he threw it back and felt it burned the whole way down. “Fuck, okay, I think that’s enough for me. Y’all keep playing, I gotta piss.”

“Shouldn’t break the seal,” Thirteen laughed, getting off of his lap – and immediately diving into the miniscule space between PT and Fenn. “Okay, so who’s next? I am not nearly drunk enough and that must be fixed.”

Shaking his head, Roche rose to his feet and wandered out of the room. Considering they were in his house, it shouldn’t be that hard to find somewhere to relieve himself – and yet, Roche found himself totally turned around. The door he tried was apparently the front door, and suddenly, it seemed like the best idea in the world to go meet his nonhuman lover.

He was far from the only man stumbling drunkenly down the street, but he  _ was _ the only one stupid enough to decide to head for the forest. The Scoia’tael-controlled forest where any human who trespassed was liable to be shot.

But Roche knew the path he was taking better than he knew himself, and even though he was nothing even approaching stealthy, he arrived at the ruins of the old elven baths without incident.

Which did not mean he got  _ inside _ without incident. He knew where the cave entrance was, he  _ did,  _ but it all looked different in the dark and when he moved closer to inspect the rocks where the cave should be, he stepped on a tangle of vines that, it turned out, were not covering solid ground.

He fell with a surprised yell and a giant splash, then surfaced and sputtered, “well, guess that’s one way to get down here.”

Here being the ornate bathing room inside the elven ruins aka his secret meeting place with his lover. Unfortunately, his lover wasn’t currently present, but Roche figured he should probably get undressed anyway, now that his clothes were all wet. Nothing was worse than wet armor chafing against your skin.

Finally, naked as the day he was born – even without his chaperon! – he stumbled back to the bathing pool and decided that floating on his back was the perfect way to indulge the spinning in his head. 

He wasn’t sure how long had passed when a cleared throat startled him. He hadn’t heard anyone enter – though, in fairness, his ears had been half underwater – but there was only one person who would choose to announce himself rather than attacking. 

“Not that I’m not enjoying the view,” Iorveth smirked, staring down at him from the edge of the bath, “but I would rather prefer you not drown.”

“‘s not deep enough for that,” he retorted, eyelids heavy even as he struggled to take in the sight of his favorite elf. Holding out a hand, he asked, “join me?”

Iorveth snorted, head shaking no even as his fingers started unbuckling his armor. “No falling asleep in the water.”

“Then keep me awake,’’ he challenged, eyes closing on the glorious sight of Iorveth’s bare chest. He would really love to stare some more, but his eyelids refused to listen to him.

Water splashed as Iorveth stepped into the pool, and then long, cool arms were wrapping around his back and under his legs, lifting him out of the water.

“‘m not done,” Roche grumbled, “like floating.”

“And I like you breathing and not drowning,” Iorveth said with a laugh. “C’mon, let’s go to bed.”

“‘mkay,” he murmured, nuzzling his face into Iorveth’s neck. “Wanna marry you,” he said against Iorveth’s skin, breathing in the one scent that always made him feel safe, even when it was illogical.

He didn’t notice the way that Iorveth had frozen in place, eye wide. “What?”

Roche inhaled deeply and felt the stress bleeding off of him with his exhale. Iorveth had a way of doing that for him – grounding him and supporting him and just…  _ being _ there.

He kissed Iorveth’s neck, “Shorty said that’s what you do when you wanna build a life with someone.” 

And that was a nice thought, building a future with Iorveth. Settling down and raising kids, as Shorty had said. Though, maybe not the kid part. Or at least, not for a long while. 

“‘m not ready for kids,” he mumbled and Iorveth choked.

“What?”

“I already got toddlers, and they’re potty trained.”

“I think you should stop talking and go to sleep,” Iorveth said, but there was amusement in his voice that made Roche feel warm.

“‘mkay,” Roche breathed against Iorveth’s neck, nuzzling closer. “Stay the night?”

“Yeah,” Iorveth answered, soft in a way he’d never been before, but Roche was too tired to wonder at that. “Yeah, I’ll stay.”

Iorveth’s hand in his hair made him realize that the world was no longer spinning around him and he smiled. “G’night, love.”

Iorveth’s chest rose in a quick gasp of breath, but he hardly noticed, drifting between sleep and intoxication as he was. But he did notice the way that Iorveth’s fingers never stopped stroking through his hair and the way that Iorveth held him close as they settled into bed.

“Good night,” Iorveth whispered and soft lips pressed against his forehead.


End file.
